CANADIAN ME - Dealing with “Brown Girl Guilt”
What is “Brown Girl Guilt” you may ask?
‘Brown girl guilt” is the burden of carrying the struggles of our ancestors who may have not had the luxury of taking the mental health days, opportunities, and freedom that we have. They were not able to hire help - they were the help. Their traumas include being domesticated, caged, boxed, and working nonstop. They provided so that we could live the lives we live and because of it… we feel guilty for pushing such boundaries that they can not even fathom. Somehow this all becomes a toxic cycle of guilt and resentment.
Backbreaking labour, sacrifice, and sacred practices may be foreign to us but that does not mean they go unnoticed. This was not a sacrifice, it was a legacy. Women fought for their freedom and left us to have it. Now what we do with that is up to us…
The Battle
It’s a constant limbo between asking for too much and taking advantage of the freedom we are privileged to have. I used to feel disheartened and guilty for my privilege and the way that I was pushing boundaries that had never been pushed before by someone like me, someone who looked like me, and someone who grew up like me.
It was when I changed my mindset around who I am supposed to be and who I should be that I really started to see success and support in my life. I find that I felt anxiety and guilt for being that “brown girl” doing that one thing until I really started doing it relentlessly. I didn’t understand that me doing these things was also in favour of the women before me who were never able to do what I so freely can, the women who would suffer the worst consequences, physical, emotional, unjust, and severe for simply doing me.
I almost owe it to those women to live boldly and when I saw this perspective, I changed my life and became so unapologetically myself that no one could touch me anymore. I prioritized my dreams, my ambitions, and my spirit. I made it my mission to represent and make the melanin queens of the world proud. The very melanin queen‘s talking about the guilt that they carry and the ways that they are scared to break traditional barriers in the ways that they feel as though they are taking everything that they have been given for granted. I want to tell my mother and grandmother that because they lived a very different life than mine. Just because this was their reality, it did not mean it had to be mine. It meant the quite opposite actually.
It means that you now have to be powerful… you have to do all these things for the three of you, not just one of you, you’re representing more than one generation. You were doing things that have never been done and that is a beautiful yet very powerful position to be in and what you want to do with that is completely yours but you should never feel guilty for doing what sets your soul on fire
Dear Brown Girl,
Did anyone ask how you were feeling today?
And if they did, did you answer honestly?
Because I doubt that you felt safe enough to share how you truly were really feeling. I doubt you told them the truth.
I know you feel tired, burnt out, and disheartened. It takes a lot of energy to live your best life when you are also tirelessly trying to dismantle deeply rooted colonization, marginalization, and the patriarchy. Oh, the patriarchy…
Our ancestors lacked the resources and privileges that we now have. We must do better. Let’s pause, ground ourselves, and breathe. We deserve this life. Repeat after me: “I deserve this life”
Our truth is that this past still lingers in our DNA, but it is not our future. Our mother’s lineage is behind us and we are her to do it proud. We must liberate ourselves from the past traumas. The debris of our histories should not anchor us but set us free. We need to stop constantly running ourselves into the ground for simply living.
“Our past lingers in the way we treat ourselves—putting our families, relationships, and careers first.”
Our cultures linger in the way we conform to communities and ideals. The notions that neglect our spirits and nourishment need not exist anymore. It doesn’t have to be this way anymore. Our ancestors endured far too many hardships for us to give up on living a happier life. I believe that we have everything inside us to live the most relentless, resilient, and limitless lives. Now is your time to self-empower, self-explore, and self-care. Bring yourself out of this wreckage!
Stepping into my role as a South Asian model and blogger who puts herself out there on the internet, I felt an immense sense of “brown girl guilt”. I felt as though I was almost pushing too hard, asking for too much, and purely disrespecting my culture. I am very much so doing things that don’t follow the traditional route and may even define me as a failure to some people in my culture but the people who matter and the people who support me, my mom, my dad, my family, my grandma… They take me as I am, and they do so, so proudly.
I hope they see the ways in which I am challenging norms and allowing for my spirit to soar. I want this lesson to be taught to women before me, my younger cousins, younger girls, because I feel like it took me way too long to learn this lesson. I suffered from a lot of what they call “brown girl guilt”. l I thought that I shouldn’t be doing certain things because of the colour of my skin and I thought that since I was given everything I should then confine myself to the very few barriers that I was to be given. I thought all I have to do is abide by so-and-so rules so that I can leave this privileged life but what is a privilege if you don’t do anything with it?
As a woman, it is up to you. It is up to us to do everything in our capacity to follow the life that we deserve, the life that we want, the life that we enjoy… I truly believe that everybody has a purpose and if you lock up your purpose and follow the patriarchal, the traditional, and the norms that are posed on you, you will never live a full life and I want to shout this from the rooftop.
As a third-generation immigrant in Canada, I promise to live boldly for my mother my grandmother and my great grandmother… my aunts and every other woman before me because this world is about to be my stage. A stage where I can promote diversity, inclusion, self-love, power, choice, and womanhood.
So what got me to this realization of life and purpose? Opportunity. I took the opportunity as a privilege and delved into self-work. I made sure that everything I did ensured that I be bold. Whether it was to obtain an education, advocate for what I believe in, or break traditional barriers by pursuing something like modeling. I refuse to burn out as a public servant, and token wife. I will take the hard work of my ancestors and put it to use. I will live my most bold life.
Things I do to practice self-worth/self-work:
Meditating
Journaling
Boxing
Yoga/Pilates
Creating content
Hiking
Dinner with friends
Organizing creative shoots
Listening to curated playlists
having difficult conversations
Mentoring
Modelling
Blogging
These are just some of the motions that help me unpack and process my guilt and channel it into purpose. Do what works for you and do so to get closer to self-awareness.