An Apology to Myself
An Apology to Myself 2019
I have been extremely open on my social media about my journey to and with self-love🤍 I have opened up about how I learned to speak kindly to myself, be my own supporter, and ultimately give myself the love I need. I have learned that love is truly within you. When you truly learn to love yourself, you open up yourself to love others, and perhaps you can even teach others how to love themselves the way you once learned to yourself. Once you start, there is no going back. Because a life of self-love is a life worth living. So c’mon and let me show you how beautiful you are and how everything you need is already within you💗.
Last year, I wrote this unpublished blog post about an apology I ha written to myself. I expressed how it had set me free and solidified my growth:
“Although I have not made any big resolutions for 2020, I have done a lot of reflecting in the past month. Before Christmas break, I was experiencing a weird sense of identity and a life crisis. I saw my last semester of university quickly dawning upon me and felt as if it was my last lap of the comfort I had finally established.”
Last year…
The past 4 years of university have been the most tumultuous. Before university, I had little thoughts, I rarely thought of what I put in my stomach, slept easy and had zero complaints or concerns. University was a major reality check for me, however, it also anchored me in so many ways. I became obsessive with doing everything and anything I could to be the best. I believe It stemmed from my new found obsession with the gym, my body, desirability, and health. I quickly began to control every aspect of my life, whether it be my relationships, eating, or simply restricting the leisure time I had. I did experience burnouts but did not let them warn me, instead, I kept going, I kept spreading myself thin and eventually my own family and friends began to notice how hostile I had become. This consumed 2 years of my life. For 2 years of my university life, I was not myself.
This is what I am here to acknowledge, we often say "I AM stressed" or "I AM weak" but how about we change that to: "I WAS stressed" and "I WAS weak". I wanted to acknowledge all of the things I had become and no longer wanted to be to allow myself to truly mend and BALANCE my life again. So, yes, for 2 years I WAS stressed, I WAS depressed, and I WAS controlling, BUT, now, I AM BALANCED.
Being transparent with yourself and holding yourself accountable is so important in times of growth and stages like university. I wish this was something I had known before I began my journey but instead, I started this year out by writing an apology note to myself, in the note I wrote:
"Dear Self:
I owe you my deepest apology. I allowed you to treat yourself as if you were invincible. I did not stop you from emotionally and physically exerting yourself. I ignored your pleas to be heard. Instead, I kept seeking love outside of you and kept you in situations where you perpetuated your sense of control and security.
I didn’t believe there was an end goal, but a continuous improvement, as you could always be better. I believed whatever situation you were in, it could be better. I know better now.
I am deeply sorry for putting you through the hell of trying to make you into someone you are not. I could sense you urging me to stop, but every time you burned out, I pushed you deeper. I didn't want the world to disapprove of your inner beauty so instead, I worked on what you could control your outer beauty. I kept your passions small and hidden and pushed you towards academic and monetary success. I wanted you to understand that there was plenty of time for fun but the future was now. I am so sorry that I dishonoured your leisure and me time, I just didn't want you to lose focus.
Lastly, I’m very sorry that I disrespected your emotions. I only allowed you to feel the anger and feelings of being overwhelmed. I let you take on the weight of the world and spread yourself so thin. I compromised your spirit so you could chase power.
Self, I promise you. I will always do my best to protect you and love you as you are my priority. Thank you for forgiving me even before I asked for it.
I want you to know that we are in charge now and everything is going to be better and okay! I am balanced and happy. I get it now! I, You, Me, We, that is my priority.
I love you.
Imran"
I speak more intimately about self-love on my Instagram Live with my good friend and Podcast host, Areena Antoine. We also spoke about my personal journey to self-love on her Podcast “SelfLoveLounge”.
